Do you know the person Leonardo da Vinci? If you know that person then I'm sure you'll know or hear Mona Lisa. It's a really famous painting. It's famous because not only it was painted well but also there is no eye brows in the woman in the painting. Aren't you want to know why? There are lots of theories about the reason why Mona Lisa do not have eye brows but one of the interesting theory is this. The woman in Mona Lisa naturally didn't have eye brows. There are some people that do not have furs in armpit. It is same as that. The woman didn't have furs in eye brows not legs. The woman was very sad so she went to Leonardo da Vinci and asked him to draw her beautiful without eye brows. So Leonardo da Vinchi agreed to draw her and draw it. It was the work which is known as Mona Lisa today. Isn't this interesting? If someone has complex which other people doens't have but I do, then don't ashmed of that. It can be good point like the woman in Mona Lisa!!
Jin,
What a great story about the Mona Lisa! I like your idea about the woman who was insecure about her lack of eyebrows, and how she asked Da Vinci to paint her beautifully the way she was. I like the way you begin your paragraph by asking about Da Vinci and bringing up the Mona Lisa. I like how you say "the woman naturally didn't have eyebrows", it is a perfect example of adding "ly" to the end of a word to make it an adverb. I'm also impressed how you correctly use conjunctions. For example: "it's" and "you'll". Nice job!
Some general corrections to keep in mind:
-Remember that "eyebrows" is one word, not two!
-We say "hair" when talking about humans, not fur.
-They "don't", he/she/it "doesn't"
-Mona Lisa is the name of a person and also the name of a painting. Because of this, when we refer to the painting we say "the" Mona Lisa, and when referring to the person we only say "Mona Lisa" (or of course we can use her full name as well).
I have attached a copy of your essay with all the corrections highlighted
Thanks again!