Katherine and Jinny,

Overall, I'm very impressed by your work and level of English.  Most mistakes made were common to even native English speakers.  Your creativity and hard work never ceases to amaze me!  Keep up the hard work!

Note for Katherine: remember to use "was" for most singular subjects/pronouns and "were" for plural: I was, she was, it was, they were, The Kiwis were (and you were).  

Note for Jinny:  Don't forget your articles "a" and "the"!

Please review the corrections and make corrections on your personal copies. Corrections are in red, comments are in purple.

This story is not real!!!! Its only a story!

# Chapter 1

South America, Brazil. About hundreds or thousands of years ago, there was Mr. Kiwi and Mrs. Kiwi living in a big tree. The tree was very tall and big!! And It (it) was near by the Amazon river. Mr. and Mrs. Kiwi was (were) thin and they had very big wings, so every bird who was near by the 'Kiwis' family was so (very) jealous. One day, the Kiwis was (were) flying in the air, (no comma here) for a morning fly. Soon, Mrs. Kiwi said(, -- put comma here) " Dear, I have a feeling that I'm going to lay my eggs...... I think you should make the nest..."

"Oh my!!!! congratulation(s -- add "s")!!!" A few (add A and lowercase f) days later, Mrs. Kiwi layed 5 eggs. And 2 month(s -- add "s") later, they hatch(ed -- add "ed"), and they were learning how to fly. The "Kiwis" family might be the happiest family in the hole (whole) world!!! UNITL TODAY............... (nice dramatic effect :D )

# Chapter 2

The baby Kiwis fly to the air!!! Mr. Kiwi was so proud!! But!! Mrs. Kiwi was worried because today was the first day the baby Kiwis fly over the trees. It was so peaceful!!!

" BOOM!! "

" What was that??" said Mr. Kiwi.

" I don't know... be careful every one!!! Nobody hurt???" ask Mrs. Kiwi.

" Umm.... sally, tom, rose, max.... max (make sure to capitalize all the names) ???? BILL IS GONE!!!" cried Mr. Kiwi.

" What???? silly of you..... Let me see sally, tom, rose, max ...... ONLY FOUR!!!! We have to find Bill!!!" cried Mrs. Kiwi.

The Kiwis family (except bill..) fly high and low.... 2 hours later...

Tom cried, " Mommy, Daddy!!! Over, there!! Bill is sleeping!!"

Mr and Mrs Kiwi saw Bill and started crying.

Rose ask " Why are you crying mommy, daddy?? "

Mr. Kiwi said in a very very small voice, " Bill's not sleeping... You can't see him forever!! he was shot in his head... " (wow, how sad!)

# Chapter 3

Two weeks later..

" Peoples are hunting KIWIS!! what should we do??? " asked Mrs. Kiwi very sadly..

" I think we should move... Very far.... nobody will know... " said Mr. Kiwi.

" But where?? Moving is more dangerous.... " said Mrs. Kiwi.

" Let's go!!! right now!!!! " said Mr. Kiwi very loudly. Mrs. Kiwi wanted to say something but Mr. Kiwi was so angry ( When Mr. Kiwi shout(s -- add "s") or say (talks) very loud, It (it) means ' I'm very mad, so do what I say ') so she just said to Max, Rose, Sally and Tom to be: "ready for a big trip".

10 minutes later the Kiwis family take the things and fly to the air. The Kiwis family were very careful. Everyone was scared and nervous.

They flew very very far. The yougest (youngest) one, Rose was so tired. But she can't have a break! Because they heard gun shooting in the air! Soon Rose couldn't help!! She just stop flying and..

" BOOM!!! "

She was gone..

Every body (everybody) wanted to help, but when they help each other they might be died (killed).

Mrs and Mr. Kiwi was so sad but they keep go(ing add "ing") on. record

They fly for 3 years!!! It was a world record!!!

Finally they reach on a very peaceful (what? a very peaceful what?), and no people!!!

# Chapter 4

But sadly, on the way moving (take moving out), Rose, Max, (and -- add "and") Tom was shot by the hunters.

Only Sally could land on the peaceful land. They were tired, sad, (and -- add "and") mad.

About 3 weeks (later add "later), they couldn't even talk, or walk.

There was a (take out "a') good news to Kiwis family in this land, there is nobody who want(s -- add "s") to hunt them and there are many foods for Kiwis!!

Two years later the Kiwi family had new baby Kiwis!!! They named it Rose, Tom, Max and Bill. The Kiwis were happy as before. There were no change except three things. They can't fly!!! It's because the Kiwis family had no reason to fly!! There are foods every where!! (Also!! this is an secret!! they became fat!! they don't move!! so they became fat!! fat as an (change an to a) chicken!! ) And they became lazy so they liked to sleep. The funny thing is they sleep in (change to "during") day! Not in (change to "during")  night!! Soon the sunlights make there (their) eyes hurt. Last, the Kiwis family had to (too) much food so the(y add "y") just move only 5cm!! But I said it before, Kiwis family don't move!! So they don't like to move 5cm!! So there (their) beak came longer.. so they don't need to move!!

# Chapter 5

Finally in this place people came and named it New Zealand  and start to hunt Kiwis!!

People killed Kiwis very much so there are only few Kiwis in New Zealand and the good, nice government said(, add comma here) " If you kill Kiwi(s -- add "s") you guys will be punished!! " so people didn't kill Kiwi. Now Kiwis move but they are still fat!! ( You know how hard (add "it is") to do diet)

-THE END- (EXCELLENT STORY, I LIKE IT VERY MUCH)

Why do the governments protect (add "the") kiwi?

I think the governments protect (add "the") kiwi because the kiwi is very unique. It is unique because the kiwi only live(s -- add "s") in New Zealand, and it is different then the other birds so the kiwis are very strange and unique. So I wish that the people do not kill kiwis and protect (them -- add "them) like the governments (do -- add "do").  (Very well done, but you mentioned they are unique three times!  Next time add more variety)

Can birds smell???

YES, yes they can.

Birds have no nose, but they have nostrils. So they could smell.

But! they can't smell many things.

They can smell only (a -- add "a") few simple smells.

Bird's (make sure you add the apostrophe!) nostils (add "are") in on (take out "on") the beak.

So we can say that 'birds smell with it's beak.'

katherine

Animals are cute

animals are cute??

no way!!!

it's not true!!

mammals could be cute....  but not

all animals are cute!!!

look! at that!!! I don't know what it is but

see!! that (change to "those") weird things!!

are those cute?? no way!!! but

rain deers, cats and dogs are cute.. they have cute

eyes, cute noses, and cute ears... I think they are

cute animals and

ugly animals in the earth..

there are many animals in the world!!

every animal couldn't be all cute!! It's impossible....

katherine

animals are very cute. But

not all of the animals

I think lions are not cute

(M -- what happened to the m line?)

also crocodiles!

lions and crocodiles are 

scary!

and gross! But

rabbits are cute

elephants are

cute (I think)

Uruses (what is this???) are cute

turtles are cute! The

end

It's too hard...

jinny

[6:14:01 AM] ???: Animals are cute